i would prefer to walk the road with an open palm than to approach the pavement with a closed fist.

a curious evening - fiona's leaving party at nexus. everyone saying how lovely i am except the one person who i think is lovely. lots of compliments falling on stony ground.

(yes, i'm drunk.)

i'm putting in an official request for sunshine on saturday. i wanna have a picnic.

though it's funny how an evening spent stuffing, stamping, labeling and sealing 850 envelopes can bring your mood down a notch. especially when i realise i don't have a single evening to myself this week... good job i'm not in a relationship, eh reader?

and so to bed.

well the eyelids aren't any better today but my overall mood has improved. a certain amount of taking back control has occurred, or at least i feel more in control anyway. i might just be kidding myself.

anyway, apart from the fact that my eyelids are now dried and peeling (mm, how attractive), and i've broken out in spots on my forehead (you're getting a lovely mental image here aren't you) i'm relatively comfortable with the world today. been looking at more possible fixer-uppers in the highlands, and had some good chats on stuff that i can't talk about yet. ooh, i'm a man of mystery me.

well, the thumping sound of repetitive beats from my selfish neighbours downstairs tells me that it must be friday night. i had a chicken supper to cheer myself up. whoop-de-fucking-doo.

what does it mean when you have itchy eyelids? it must mean something. i don't remember having itchy eyelids before. perhaps it means you've lost control of both your work life and your love life and you feel like every conversation you have fails to get any information across. or it could be sunburn.

and the rain
keeps falling down

ow ow ow. ow times ten to the million. i might as well stick pins in my eyes.

dear reader, you do not find me at a happy time. jesus, it hurts.

in the arms of an angel
fly away from here
from this dark cold hotel room
and the endlessness that you fear

you are pulled from the wreckage
of your silent reverie
you're in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort there

sarah mclachlan

weblog as confessor time.

i just got in after the traditional wednesday night meeting/cafe/unrequited love scenario. as i heard the door close behind me in the empty flat i felt the most overwhelming loneliness that i actually started to cry. funny how it hits you sometimes. and equally funny how the most deeply felt emotions when written down read like the cheapest airport novelette you've ever read.

time to count my blessings, as they say, and i have many. just sometimes they fade into the background.

oh yes, i forgot to say - our team (hamish, me and a combination of adam and roger) came fifth in the pétanque. out of 17. and we had never played before. and that makes us great!

danny, tim and courtney, on the other hand, came so completely last they got a booby prize. 'cept nobody called it that because they were raising funds for breast cancer research...

what a cracking weekend. (i know it's wednesday, but i've been busy, okay?)

after the launch party for the new gay rugby club on friday - no i'm not going to start playing before you ask - saturday was pétanque for charity. when i initially heard about this i thought it was going to be awful. it's a type of boules you see. but in fact, thanks in part to a spell of absolutely gorgeous sunny weather and some absolutely gorgeous company (well, briefly), it turned into a really lovely day. we finished it off with a barbecue in some private gardens underneath the dean bridge, which was just spectacular. felt like a little holiday-in-a-day.

unfortunately the sun took me by surprise and i was wearing a bisexual top (well, not properly bisexual but sleeveless anyway) so my shoulder sunburn is only now calming down, and my little rucksack has been a handbag for a few days...a small price to pay.

what other excitements? well, i went to harry ramsdens and found that i couldn't even finish an ordinary size haddock supper - this from a man who used to order the challenge on a regular basis! i think i have succeeded in reducing the size of my stomach. it actually makes life cheaper too - what a bonus. it's a shame newhaven harbour is such a smelly place.

and then there's work. but before i go there, i think i'll stop.

what stories to tell today? well, for a start i went with helen, ali and laura to see chicago at the playhouse last night. it was almost as good as the last time i saw it (which wasn't that long ago actually, and the same touring company), and the boys were as beautiful as ever (and seriously talented dancers). i think simon adkins was my absolute fave again (nice arse!), but sean mcgrath came a very close second. i wish our seats had been a little closer to the front...

so now i am off work for two days to go up north and take a butchers at this cottage. i'm tagging along with laura cos she knows about old buildings and stuff... unfortunately we have to get the 9.30 train tomorrow in order to get to the car hire place before it closes, but at least that gives us the best of the day to potter around - and look in the inverness estate agents' windows for other possibilities. cos let's face it, at the price it's at there must be something seriously wrong with it!

and now i've just remembered that i *still* haven't booked anywhere to stay, so i'm going to do that now...

and then i'll forget all about being halfway through a posting and head off to dinner! ach. well, we're all booked, and i'm half packed, and since it's half past one in the morning and the train is at 9.30, i'd better go to bed. night night.

this is quite good.

pee here